FYI Restarting the game from scratch, that is just how long I've been away and how much I loved it in the first place, and still love it!

And still maintain YuuSho all the way!  But can't help loving ALL the characters!  Going to take so real resolve to try out the others, it makes me feel like such a traitor, not only for what I see for the story, but also things I believe in.  Still challenging myself beyond my comfort zone may be what I need, but I never can be sure if I'm ready.

A chord struck with me right now..., here back in day 12 after first upset match..., with me feeling the need to stop taking my meds, to face myself without that protective wall, this feeling that Kei feels is what is always there under the surface, a feeling of flatlining and going or getting nowhere, feeling defeated for even feeling defeated, even for something small.  My life certainly is void of a lot of pressures the VN characters face, but pressure is still pressure, and while the meds took the edge off, it also made it feel like I was never the one actually accomplishing anything.  Always a feeling of stuck in limbo, not feeling like I can quite do things on my own, but also faltering when I do have help, a very backwards feeling...  yet too do I see it as Sho,  no matter how hard I fall, nor what the reason(s) may be, I always get back up again..., but that takes time, though this recent event in my life feels as harsh as I felt before I started taking my meds...

I used to crawl from being so young and not understanding why I felt the way I did or why I acted the way I did, meds and therapy helped to elevate me, the meds a crutch, the therapy a means to stand on my own..., but over time and without realizing it, just like some of the other illnesses I have incurred that of incurable but not dire kind, oblivious to the answers through ignorance, lack of knowledge, or lack of common sense, all from a lack of practice, that the meds stared to isolate me from some of the feelings that I should have been having...  I may be  Autistic, but its no wonder I felt at times more akin to a machine despite my emotions, its hard to feel for something you don't understand or comprehend, but perhaps its worse when you have no feeling at all...

A year a minor deviation from who we once were... a decade a major deviation form who we once were... makes me wonder at 50, regardless of things good or bad at that point in our life, are we really the same person?  Even as we may never yield what may be our core, everything else has been changed to be unrecognizable, but such is the passage of time...

This is why I love and gave top marks for this VN, for just how real it is, for how it goes beyond what is at the surface and dives deep, there bringing to light fears, doubts, inner darkness and turmoil, we may not even be aware of of our own selves.  There is always more, but that requires all to open up and for all to listen.  Still yet saddest of all is how pain is the quickest teacher, but it is better to be shared pain of sorrow, then to the pain of a single edge of a knife.  Slow and steady keep moving forwards, no matter the setbacks, and roadblocks, just have to find a way around them.

The next Chord, CS S2, the harshest truths are often those we are most unaware of or try to deny, there is always two sides to every story, there is a reason for those sides existing, but unless you get to the bottom of it all, it will only ever be cause of friction and drama, for without understanding that is all there could ever be, for it cannot be ignored if you keep running into it.  Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away, it only ever lets them grow.  This is what frustrates me about life and people in general, only furthered by attempts to ask questions be viewed as insults.  If I can learn, I can understand and if I understand, I can do away with any preconceived notions, a positive reinforcement, but to be shot down for even getting close, may as well lead to declaration of war... *sigh* and this is where for me a lot of internal conflict arises from a cycle of beliefs that end chasing each other, leaving me in the dark, between feelings of sad and angry for both myself and the others.  Can irrationality ever be rationalized???  Its funny how they are only ever the ones who seem to get a position of power, only to then abuse it... a cycle of madness, not only form being out of touch but not even being able to be in touch...  All of this helps to highlight the exact reason Haruki and   comes into play in the story here, to question that which you may have been unaware of and why it leads to such a conflict with a short fuse between Yuu  and Sho, when they are forced to open their eyes to their ugliest sides, instead of masking it.

D18 - Total blockout and all encompassing wall..., all because of decisions made by and made for us..., even at our perceived best, there are so many small details that slip by, around, and through us... I am no exception... it why I question everything, and only once you are brought down low do you start to see the finer details..., it becomes hard to know who is really at fault, who is really to blame, when its all a tangled mess of hopes and dreams dashed, not even knowing if you are the one chocking yourself to death...  its sad and funny how I feel like I have or perhaps had??? the potential for anything if only I dedicated all of myself to it,  I could have all of something, but no, I have never seen much value into having something solely to myself, I'd rather give than take, I'd rather share, I'd rather aim for less than perfect, so that the scattered pieces could fit with others... the struggle of the feeling that I have been able to fit in anywhere, yet never quite belong..., but sometimes instead need to take huge steps back, and attempt not one thing, but everything from a new angle... if my best is not enough, if my (subtle?) pleas aren't heard, if logic is discard, feelings thrown in the trash, my desire to care looked upon as nothing more than insult... what else can I do but turn my back on friend and foe alike, if I have to go so far back?  This where everything gets complicated with Sho... he has lost one of the most important parts of himself, and in turn titters on the edge of whatever prospects he has left that are his and his alone.  It is damming and damaging, a torture of ones own psyche upon themselves, when they become their own worst enemy... there is no more treading, nor even swimming, just a floating feeling, aimless.  Even if I am feeling a little, there are wounds that can never be healed within one lifetime.  Me or Sho could get the resolution we desire, somewhere in the middle, but there is now a disconnect, from the feeling of earning it or from it deserving us.  This what a truly burned bridge looks like, even repaired its still unusable.  Not all hope is lost, but there is no hope left to be gained...  It may still be there staring at you, going on without you, but the path between is both a maze and an eternal fog... to try so hard or perhaps too hard and falling so short for things that you never seen holding you back.  All I know is I need to start paying more mind to myself and my own issues.

D19, the duality of never being able to quite let go, but also knowing enough to not let it impact your continued living too much...  I can't stop, but I need not dwell on it at all times...

D20, staying silent when hurting as to not hurt others, I don't want to burden them, but when others hurt others I have trouble keeping silent, in this I am no different compared to my targets/ers... but what is to be said about them when I am the one trying harder to hold myself back??? *sigh* nevermind...

D21- Something I may never have... something I never had a chance to have, something I never realized I could have (at the time/their age)..., but for while I may never quite live, I live for others to live, even if I am not involved,  I care to know of those who have found a way..., my life is not about me, but my life is not wasted, if I could help others to have more moments like these.  If only I didn't feel so lost, but its always been that way for me, a want to live, but lingering feeling of pointlessness... Will I ever make it?  Will it ever matter?  I wonder and worry, perhaps more than needed.

D22 all its takes is one mindless action to tear everything you believe in or fight for from you, both first and second hand, this is what provokes my fear, anxiety, and despair, to feel that crushing weight, or simply be knocked by the shockwaves... and to have this action repeated, it reaches a point where it splits to a feeling of oblivion and/or anger, fury, vengeance... makes it hard to see straight, makes it hard to suddenly trust anyone who you thought may be willing to help you, if they ever even meant it...  Rome was not built in a day, but in one day its was nothing but ash... anything can be ruined, anything can be corrupted, anything can be misused, misinterpreted, or misdirected... when an key foundation for which one or something stands is desecrated so... there stands to be nothing left to fight FOR, leaving only AGAINST and only if even fi dared... good intentions ruined just for the amusement of others... I never had the chance to know you, but hat stands to be my fault for belief that I be too much a bother..., all this text is proof of just how much I try to hold back, this could have been done by me for every release, but no I tried to keep it to about a paragraph, if even.  My restraint lies in my desire to be respectful.  I cannot say I have entirely mindful of this in all cases with others, but I say what say to not only share my thoughts, but also to point out my own shortcomings, which may be tainting my view, in an effort to understood or to try to be understanding, for if I hold back too much, finding a way to get through to others or to myself may be rendered impossible.  This rampant one way only wall is what I keep seeing and hearing about everywhere, news, media, movies, boards, messages, groups, etc.  everything gets to point where containment fails... and for each loss so many others end up bleeding too..., until its a chaotic mess of miseverything... WWIII may yet end up being nothing more than an endless chain of civil wars with MANY sides, and that is my biggest looming fear that is beyond myself... we are already living in a pre war state..., my concern becomes who will make the first irreversible action?  Who cares about the various doomsday scenarios, when the enemy is from within ourselves?  heh... it surprising how much can extrapolated from so little when you bother to look at the fine details, but on a much greater scale...  think of Sho and his Dad... but everywhere, a dystopia without end, a place where everyone will feel violated at any given time... never deny the potentials or possibilities, lest they manifest unaware... the thought alone of all this looming but ignored like a tsunami being held back by a dam that is ill maintained, makes me quiver shake and curl into a ball...

Yet again despite being a lone wolf sort, I do not have desire to live for myself, I also cannot live by myself, and the feeling of being able to fit in anywhere but never belong... a want for things I cannot do on my own, and to hold things immaterial more important than even the five senses... and the thought of having to turn my back on those pursuits in favor of a need to be more selfish, just to preserve myself from everything, good or bad, within and without, sickens me, and quite frankly, if it wasn't for developed sense of self-awareness, I would not even be here, and no one at all would ever have known me, for it is all I feel I have that has kept from insanity or suicide.  I describe myself/my sona as only 3/7 the rainbow, and I do mean it quite literally, always a feeling of incompleteness, even as I accept it.

D22 = 42 , my ideal 42, a 42 I'd wish for all, but sadly it will repeatedly add up to 666... roughly 1 in 16... while 777 is roughly 1 in 19... I think too much..., but its what I'm good at....

D24 Shining example of my frustration with, of, for, against, because, myself, of another, and generally just not knowing what to do when there are knots of varying sizes and shapes constricting all over... to be silent is to ignore the larger issue, but to be vocal is double edged.... so why do I keep seeing this since elementary school? perhaps its in knowing I do tend to be in conflict with myself at times since then??? I may never really know...

D27 Sho and Yuu may as well be disecting myself, but even within the answers are more contradictions... being like both of them... arguing like both of them... oy...  and then later Saya and Yuu, THINK DEEPER! if something doesn't make sense or seem clear, that is why asking questions HELPS, but still don't bite too hard, or the lesson taught is that it is impossible...

D28 Give me a reason to respect you first, give me a chance to feel, otherwise I will not feel there is right if all that is shown is might... do not demand and command, make me feel I have value or sparks will fly, one way or another... and further down this line might as well be playing hot potato with an actual hand grenade *shivers yet burns*... this applies both was...

D31 Mixed Messages, tangled knots, hard to even know if sides even exist in such a puzzle of puzzles...  its why I can never truly say I'm right or wrong, as smart or wise as one can be, WE DO NOT and CANNOT BE EXPECTED to AUTOMATICALLY KNOW EVERYTHING!!!  And then get insulted and pushed around as a result? WHAY THE HELL!  I cannot be clean either, but if there is no bridging the gap, everything falls down!... nrgf... goddamit... *sigh*

D32 What do it feel like to have the one thing or things that give you some sense of comfort ripped right away from you? How else can be taken when you are forced into a direction or path you do not desire?  Everything starts getting narrow and suffocating!!!  And indeed it does feel like things I have some manner of involvement in eventually end up imploding, but I'm never the one to push the red button, always the one there though because its getting mashed from multiple locations, even if unintentionally, >.<, and even then I alone am only one, so I am forced to address only one enclosed area, while the other may end blasting apart... leaving nothing behind for me to learn from...  it certainly feels that way, when even your olive branch is used as kindling for another's arson...

What day does the new update begin for Shoichi?

Dropped his route a long time ago due to how he acts with his father. Might give it a second shot and see if he grows a spine sometime since i really did like him until that point.

Thank you! Glad to see our doggo again!

And can I get a little guide about routes and choices?